I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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