My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
