she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize