Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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