I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
