If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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