i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
