i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Boobs speak an international language.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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