Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
