Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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