A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize