Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
