A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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