hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
