Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
