in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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