My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
