Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
