I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just high enough for therapy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
