3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
