I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
sex in a hospital.. check
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
