So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
