the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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