dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
it was like his penis was on wheels.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
