By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
