My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
