hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
why is half of my head shaved?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
