Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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