btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
