I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
