just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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