he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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