Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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