I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
