So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
