After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
