Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
