after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize