I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
