Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
