sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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