how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize