the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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