He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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