I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
