chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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