I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
