every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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