Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
