I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
