Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
