FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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