i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize