I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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