I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
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